Forming a Super PAC

Super Pac ManIf Stephen Colbert can do it, then I can do it. My rationale? I have been called the “Rupert Murdoch of the Episcopal Church.” We media moguls have to take bold steps.

It’s pretty obvious why it’s awesome to run a Super PAC. Basically, I plan to lavishly spend money on my own personal interests — advancing my own political whims — with virtually no accountability. The Supreme Court has handed a golden, diamond-encrusted platinum stuffed gift to every fatcat lobbyist and wannabe influencer in the land in their “Citizens United” decision.

So please start writing seven-figure checks. Not counting cents or punctuation. What can I promise? Total anonymity for you, and plenty of political favor. Oh, and lots of glam for me. But that’s how it works.

Here’s my lobbying agenda:

  1. I will support candidates who advance coffee-drinking, unlike some candidates.
  2. I will make satirical ads, because I think politicians take themselves entirely too seriously.
  3. I will take lavish junkets to “liase” and “investigate”.
  4. Any politician who targets the vulnerable — or various clergy tax benefits that I happen to enjoy — will incur my wrath.
  5. I’m lobbying for certain business advantages for publishers of pamphlets and material about the Episcopal Church.
  6. If other Super PACs can demand Obama’s birth certificate, I’m going to demand other nominees’ divorce decrees.
  7. Under the right conditions, I’d consider making a large donation to fund repair of the National Cathedral — because you can see it from all over Washington — in exchange for the rights to run a nightly laser show with my message. And naming rights.
  8. Me and my staff will play Super Pac Man. We were going to settle for Pac Man, but then a Facebook commenter pointed out that we are, indeed, a Super PAC.
  9. Our snark-laden message will be managed by a Chief Snark Officer. The position has been filled by an able volunteer, who is embedded deep within the Republic of Texas where snark is so desperately needed.
  10. Starting with tonight’s State of Union, we will offer Live Tweeting Exclusive Coverage of key events.
  11. I’ll do something else, because I don’t like “Top 10” lists.

OK, it’s a random list, but it’s at least as good as any other Super PAC’s list. Thank you for your donation. Not that I’m coordinating with any candidates, but it’s possible that your donation could lead you to a high-paying job in Washington. Or at a certain lobbying firm / media juggernaut in Cincinnati.

Because this is a America the greatest (or most deluded) country in the world, everything I propose here is legal. Sigh. Maybe someone should form a Super PAC to lobby for campaign finance reform. Strike that, I’ve got a plan a trip to identify the site of my new Super PAC Super Headquarters in a tropical paradise.

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4 Responses

  1. Mary Keenan says:

    First project: create a Super Pac Man app that eats GOP candidates. Side benefit: our Super Pac Man will be a job creator!

  2. Scott Gunn says:

    Mary, you are truly worthy of the six-figure salary you will soon receive. That’s just the kind of use-their-magical-powers-against-them thinking that we need.

  3. Laura says:

    As a Tea Drinking American, I am appalled by this display! Such a gross abuse of power. You must be a madman–or at the very least evil to the core.

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