7WD official predictions for 2011

predictionsAll the other blogging kids are doing it, so we decided not to be left out. Here are some official predictions for 2011, mostly having to do with Anglicanism.

  1. As Lesley Fellows prophecies, Archbishop Rowan Williams will recognize that the Anglican Covenant is a lousy idea and appoint Soon-to-be-Canon Fellows as his chief adviser.
  2. Lesley will end all this silliness with Primates’ Meetings and let bloggers sort it all out. This continues good work already begun.
  3. “Archbishop” Bob Duncan will realize the only thing he has in common with (actual) Archbishop Rowan Williams is big eyebrows. Duncan will stop pretending to be Anglican and do the honest thing. He’ll launch his own church: Bobby’s Bible Barn. Naturally, the main attraction inside will be the archiepiscopal throne: Big Bobby’s Barcalounger. His eyebrows will get even bigger.
  4. The English House of Bishops will get a new mad chaplain. Things will never be the same again, and in a good way.
  5. The American House of Bishops will take their penchant for secret meetings one step further and build a giant underground lair (even more secret than Stand Firm’s Secret Volcano Lair). Susan Russell will hover overhead in a CNN helicopter and tell everyone what’s happening anyway, despite the cloak of secrecy.
  6. On the tech front, Apple will release more i-things. They will have CPUs that run about 2% faster than what’s out now. And yet everyone will fawn over these new goodies, completely ignoring any knowledge of the slave labor conditions under which these toys are made.
  7. Sarah Palin will lead a march on Washington. Someone will explain to her that the original tea party was a rejection of “big business” not the complete affirmation of all things mega-corporate. She’ll stare blankly and call her critic an elitist sexist, who lacks foreign policy experience (not being able to “see Russia from my house!”).
  8. Jim Naughton will be the one who saves the Episcopal Church. All over the country, parishes will open coffee bars called “The Episcopal Cafe”. Yuppies will come into the church for their skinny tall half-caf lattes and stick around for Christian yoga. Congregations will be financially healthy, and Naughton will become a billionaire recluse — who controls everything that happens at General Convention from his massive yacht.

OK, most of these things won’t happen. But here’s a real prediction. Right wing “Anglican” extremists will continue to make dire threats and scary predictions about the Anglican Communion and its future. And yet Anglican life will go on. In local congregations all over the world, the Gospel will be proclaimed. The only difference will be to which meetings certain prelates are flying — actual Anglican gatherings or schismatic meetings of the like-minded.

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