BREAKING NEWS: Lawsuit threatens safety of Holy Communion everywhere
OK, I think the headline is more dramatic than the actual story, but I learned this trick from mainstream media.
Back in November, I wrote about Purity Solutions (no, I did not make up that name), a maker of “hands free” dispensers for Holy Communion. The idea is that the grubby hands of priests could contain germs, bacteria, or cooties. Someone might get flu! So you just load up a sleeve of wafers into the dispenser and drop them right into communicants’ hands. Well, it turns out that this entire market is threatened by a lawsuit. A lawsuit! Oh noes!
According to Wired News, Nu-Life Products (no, I did not make up that name either) is suing its former president. The whole thing is getting messy. Ironic, isn’t it, for a fledgling industry built around hygiene? Anyway, there’s only one sure-fire solution: just keep administering Holy Communion in both kinds, using (very clean) hands. By the way, that’s what the Book of Common Prayer and church tradition require.
If one were writing a slapstick comedy about church, you really couldn’t do any better than this whole thing: overwrought fear of germs, followed by company that makes cheesy-looking products to do something that we shouldn’t be doing, culminating in a lawsuit. Come to think of it, does anyone know a screenplay writer? This could be the beginning of a breakout comedy on EWTN.