Anglican Primates’ statement on Christmas

Gathered by teleconference, we issue the following statement on planned Christmas celebrations. Needless to say, they raise deep and troubling questions for Anglican archbishops and aspiring bishops everywhere.

  1. According to reports, the birth of Jesus was accomplished by a non-traditional means. Since we can only sanction traditional marriage between one man and one woman and traditional procreation thereof, we are not sure what to make of this “Holy Spirit” conception outside marriage.
  2. We hear that angels have been proclaiming, “Glory to God in the highest!” Since these angels show no evidence of episcopal orders, we cannot accept their proclamations. Only validly ordained bishops (as we define valid) should be issuing proclamations.
  3. This birth happened in Bethlehem. We expect God’s grace to be revealed in places such as Truro, VA and Abuja. We might be able to admit that God’s grace (under certain controlled situations) might be manifest in Canterbury. If people begin to see God’s grace in Bethlehem, before long they might believe it possible that God’s grace could be revealed in New Hampshire or Los Angeles. This will not do.
  4. We note the presence of poor shepherds, and we hear that wise men are coming to adore this child. It goes without saying that we cannot receive this as a duly convened gathering of Anglicans. Where are the travelers in business class seats? Who has left a palace behind to adore the child?
  5. This birth seems to be an unwarranted innovation in the location of the Word. The Bible tells us that the Word was with God in the beginning, and we interpret this to mean the Word was in heaven throughout all of history. We cannot advise the legitimacy of God’s Word becoming flesh, as this does not accord with our understanding of tradition.
  6. Moreover, if people begin to see that the Word was made flesh, they may begin to understand human nature itself as exalted. We maintain our traditional position that true holiness is found in those wearing purple shirts, copes, and mitres.
  7. Some people are saying, astoundingly, that this birth is part of God’s plan for the redemption and salvation of humanity. We will not accept a focus on the Means of Salvation rather than the Instruments of Communion. It is flatly contradictory to good order.
  8. In other words, we will decide when grace is revealed and when it is not. If you have other ideas, phooey on you.

We have made up our mind, and we will not study further nor will we listen to those who have adored the Christ child. We have important things to do. Please cease and desist your celebrations of this radical feast, and consider scheduling a dramatic reading of the Dromantine Communiqué instead. The Windsor Continuation Group are available for appearance at services of Lessons & Carols (assuming, of course, you can afford their per diem rates).

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3 Responses

  1. I am going to print this out and give it to Rowan in about an hour (yes! really!)

    (That’s a shock for you, coming back from the coffee shop!)

  2. Scott Gunn says:


    1. The coffee shop has WiFi.

    2. I hope Rowan has a sense of humor (or humour) today.

    3. Is he popping over to your parish, or is there some kind of clergy gathering in the Close today?

    Let me know how it goes. This will be useful information in case I ever hope to work in the Church of England. I’m thinking I’ve already ruined any chance of a career there.

    Happy Christmas!


  3. Marge Mathewson says:

    Love it!!!!

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