Travel tips from 7WD and your friendly TSA officers

Sure, I have derided the Transportation Security Administration for their pointless and time-consuming security theatre. For example, years after the so-called shoe bomber was foiled by wet matches, we Americans remove our shoes at every airport checkpoint like a bunch of drones. Most nations of the world must not worry about this, because I’m able to leave my shoes on in most countries I’ve visited. By the way, I shudder to contemplate what things will be like if we ever have an underwear bomber. OK, back to my main point.

The TSA is endlessly helpful. For example, in case you forgot that you have to have your liquids in a separate clear bag, they shout that at you as you approach the checkpoint. By the time you reach the screener, you’ve been shouted at a minimum of 17 times. And now that the holidays are near, the TSA has provided some more advice. I don’t have any trips scheduled, so I’m not sure if the shouting will include these tips. I thought I should share them here, in case there’s no time to revise the scipt for the shouting.

Do NOT think it is safe to take cranberry sauce or maple syrup on the plane to grandma’s house. They are on a list of forbidden foods. These foods, though almost as American as apple pie, are NOT okay, and the TSA will take away your food. However, pies are just fine. I guess they are so American that they pose less risk. I quote: “Note: You can bring pies and cakes through the security checkpoint, but please be advised that they are subject to additional screening.” I could not make this up.

I see a monetary opportunity here. The TSA reminds us that items purchased after security are perfectly OK. It’s magic, I suppose. So I’m going to see about a stall in the local airport. In addition to cranberry sauce and maple syrup, I plan to sell gravy and snow globes. These items are also forbidden at security checkpoints.

Thank God, the TSA is keeping America safe from snow globes. Their aesthetic merits were not enough to get them banned, but their potential for evil uses by terrorists will make them extinct soon, I suppose. George Orwell could not have guessed that by 2009 we’d make 1984 look like Pleasantville.

Photo courtesy TSA. I was going to look for a comical photo to go with this piece, but the TSA did my work. It looks like they may have paid a photographer to capture a shot of all the “dangerous” holiday items about which they worry. I’ve never wanted to demand congressional hearings, but I would like to know how much that photo cost. FOIA, anyone?

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1 Response

  1. kevin says:

    I almost had a problem today with my Tofurky. Apparently it looked “odd” on the Xray. (Looks odd anywhere, frankly.) But it made it through. Which is good for me as meat substitutes are rare on the ground in rural Georgia.

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