Holy water under the bridge

Yesterday I posted The Daily Show’s take on the Pope’s offer to Anglicans. Today I give you Stephen Colbert.

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Holy Water Under the Bridge – Randall Balmer
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2 Responses

  1. leon d berg says:

    Written by LDS former Bishop Robert Rees PhD (brees@heartmath.org)forwarded to you with permission.

    Independence, MO., 23 October 2009

    Taking a cue from the Pope’s recent welcome of disenchanted conservative Anglicans into the Catholic Church, Stephen M. Veazey, President and Prophet of the Community of Christ Church (formerly the Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), extended an invitation to liberal and progressive Mormons to come into his church. Even though there were some contrary votes among the Twelve Apostles, the majority supported President Veazey’s recommendation that disenchanted Latter-day Saints who are disillusioned by their church’s refusal to ordain women and who are unhappy with the Mormons’ support of Proposition 8 in California last fall be accepted into the Community of Christ Church without being rebaptized. “Since we are all the children of Joseph Smith, we need to forget our differences and join together in Unity,” said President Veazey. Apostle Emily Brockbank dissented: “Look, we have worked years to get the right for women to be ordained and we can’t suddenly let a lot of Brighamites come into the church without some period of repentance. It isn’t fair!” But the majority agreed that that liberal Mormons have probably suffered enough. Moreover, letting liberal Mormons in would likely swell the ranks of the Church at a time when convert baptisms are waning and therefore would bring in more tithing money (assuming of course that the liberal LDS still pay tithing, or at least would be predisposed to starting again, given a proper incentive package). Some Community of Christ members were reserved about the decision. Jonathan Evans of Millsap, Missouri, whose great-great grandfather thought the trek West a bit of a risky venture and so stayed to build up Zion in—Zion (as members of the church call Missouri), said, “Maybe this will inspire a reverse pioneer exodus with liberal Mormons driving their Volvos and Priuses back to the land of the Garden of Eden.” Throckmorton Smith (possibly a descendent of Joseph Smith) hailed the announcement as a “revelation.” “God has spoken! And even though I’m not sure about letting liberals of any stripe into the church, like Peter with the gentiles, I will try to have an open heart.”

    Community of Christ scholar William “Bill” Russell welcomed the news. “Hey, this will be great. Now instead of being one of the few Community of Christ scholars at the annual Sunstone Symposium, we’ll be the majority!” Senate Majority Leader harry Reid expressed outrage upon hearing the news. “Mormonism has intellectuals and liberals? Why,” he asked, “am I hearing this for the first time? I wish my staff would keep me informed about stuff like this!”

    President Veazey’s welcome of progressive Latter-day Saints into the Community of Christ was not without some limitations. “This welcome is genuine and generous,” he said, “but there are a few things our liberal Mormon friends of the Salt Lake Church will have to abandon to have full fellowship with us. They can keep their funny underwear, they can remain Democrats, and they can continue drinking Diet Coke, but they can’t bring Jello to pot-luck dinners or after-church gatherings (what they call “linger longers”—which should leave little doubt as to whether their church is run by revelation!), and they must stop using the Deseret alphabet to send coded messages to one another.

    Although originally suspicious of the announcement, Liberal Mormons welcomed the news. Long-time Sunstoner Mike Kimball said, “Hooray! At last a church in which we will feel welcome! I hate to estimate the number of Mormons who will accept this generous offer, but my guess is that it will be in the dozens, or even hundreds! Let the exodus begin.”

    LDS Public Affairs spokesman Michael Otterson declined to comment on the story. “It has long been a practice of the Church not to comment on anything having to do with liberals,” he said, “or so called ‘progressives.’”

    Not to be outdone by the Community of Christ, the Strangites (aka “The Original Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints”), would roll out an even warmer welcome mat for liberal/progressive Mormons. Those accepting the offer would not have to pay any tithing since, according to the church’s website, “We do not currently have a bishop, and therefore do not collect tithing.” According to current leader John Hajicek, those coming into his church would enjoy a number of benefits, including a free tour of the City of Voree (Wisconsin) and Beaver Island (Lake Michigan) and a free copy of The Book of the Law of the Lord translated from the brass plates of Laban taken by Nephi from Jerusalem. Joining the Church might be particularly attractive to Mormons of the Salt Lake “splinter group” since baptism requires “no classes, lessons, discussions, applications, interviews, or approvals.”

    Overwhelmed by these invitations, liberal Latter-day Saint, Brigham Rockwell, said, “Wow, it really feels good to be wanted. It is hard to make up my mind as to which of these offers is best. Maybe I’ll wait to see what the FLDS has to offer.”

  2. leon d berg says:

    and just to be sure people understand; the posted article written by Bishop Dr Rees is satire or parody.