What to do if you are a conservative

Dear conservative friends,

I feel your pain. It’s no fun to watch your guy (and gal, in this case) lose. We liberals felt this pain in 2000 and again in 2004. At least you’ve been spared the agony of a Supreme Court farce. But that’s a story for another blog post.

I’ve read a few of your facebook status updates. You are talking about “moving to Canada.” I can see why you’d say that. You’ve heard liberals talking this way for a couple of generations. So you thought it sounded good. But there are some problems.

Canada is more liberal than the US. You’ll have to pay US taxes after you leave, and high Canadian taxes to boot! You’ll have to pay for the health care of other Canadians. In fact, when you start getting into the details, you’re going to have trouble finding a place to live. I know this will be news to you. Most of you won’t have passports, and your interest in foreign countries was limited, until recently, to places with which we planned to fight or at least negotiate a coercive trade agreement.

There is good news. There is a place that will share your social values and live up to your high moral standards. You can move to Singapore. You won’t have to endure any pesky liberal speeches or rallies. No more “human rights” or “chewing gum.” Offenses are dealt with quickly, perhaps by the time-tested and Godly method of caning.

So pack your bags, if you can’t stand the thought of President Obama. There’s a place for you.

P.S. You’ll have to give up your notion of a Judeo-Christian nation, but at least there’s a healthy respect for entrepeneurial money-makers there! And the dollar is more important anyway, right?

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9 Responses

  1. Ann says:

    And the Anglican Church there is very conservative friendly.

  2. dan says:

    Thank you Scott – a chuckle tinged with a wink!

  3. Luke says:

    Well-worded, Scott!

  4. we [redacted], on the other hand, can get a fair deal in california. in the woo hoo for obama, please, weep a tear for us and our back-seat once more.

    [Ed. — Thomas, this is the first time I’ve ever edited a comment. I don’t care if commenters agree with me, but hate speech and the terms that comprise it will not be allowed here, even when they’re applied to one’s self.

    I’ll write more on this subject, but please know that I am greatly concerned and appalled by the apparent passage of Prop 8. While I haven’t written about it here, I think you may have noticed some things I’ve written on facebook, and I’ve been trading emails with others. I do intend to write about my sadness at this injustice.]

  5. oops! i meant canada, of course. california turns out to be more like alabama.

  6. Peter Mayer says:

    You really don’t like conservatives, do you? The pretending really isn’t working.

  7. Jessica Gates says:

    Hmm. Peter may have a point. But still – Cheers.

  8. Carolanne says:

    I was thinking the real conservative viewpoint yet huge money-making base is situated even better in Dubai…where women get to stay home and in their place in accordance with religious teachings. ‘They’ say, “It’s just like America, only better!!” I think you should publish this in the Huntsville, AL newspaper…a newspaper for the big sea of red…

  9. Scott Gunn says:

    Peter, I do like conservatives, though I often disagree with them. On some things, I am myself a conservative. All that said, I like to poke a bit of fun at folks — and I’ll gladly accept a good ribbing from others. It’s all in good fun, I hope.

    If you don’t like reading this stuff, maybe you’d be happier in Singapore. 😉

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